​     Uncle Wizard swept the broom back and forth across the wooden floor.  The Great Hall of Wizard HQ was littered with the leftovers from the Wizard Award celebrations; cups, plates, streamers, ribbons.
     ‘It’s not fair,’ he moaned. ‘Why do I have to clear all this up?’
     Bob the Pigeon looked up from the pie he was eating and shrugged.
    ‘I can’t remember.  Is it punishment for your mutant-turnip spell, or for turning Admiral Wizard’s chamber into rice pudding?’
     Uncle Wizard bristled.
     ​Well, you could offer to help…’
     Bob shook his head.
    ‘Not until I’ve finished this pie.  This here is a Loop-Mungus Mega Pie!  It’s made from a secret recipe known only to lollipop ladies!  And then I’ve got my Babbling Woo-Hah Pie, and then the Unnamed Pie of Zog…I could be some time!’
     Uncle Wizard sighed, and pushed the broom underneath a table.
     'Hang on!  What’s this?’
     The broom clattered against a plastic box.
    ‘Crikes!’ gasped Uncle Wizard. ‘It’s a box of doom lemons!  A Great Wizard must have dropped them during the party!  These are potent things, incredibly powerful.  Only the most experienced wizards are allowed to use them.’
     ​Bob looked up anxiously.
     ‘And you’re going to return them, aren’t you?  Straight away!’
     Uncle Wizard nodded.
    ‘Of course, of course, these could do real damage in the wrong hands…although, I’m sure just a little spell wouldn’t hurt…’
     Bob looked aghast, but Uncle Wizard had already fished his spell book out of his magic cloak and was flicking through the pages.
     ‘Where is it?  Where is it?  Aah hah!  Here it is.  Page 403.  The Flying-Carpet Thunderiser Spell!  I’ve always wanted to try this spell.  And now I’ve got the doom lemons to do it!’
    The doom lemons tossed and turned inside the clear plastic box.  Lightning crashed within.  A thunderstorm raged.  Uncle Wizard carefully opened the lid, plucked one out, and dropped it into his magic hat.  He quickly added a tub of deep-fried wibbles, two turgid bongo-flops, and a dollop of double wangled boom-powder.  Uncle Wizard marvelled at the spell and then started to reach for a second doom lemon.
     ‘No!’ cried Bob. ‘Surely one is enough!’
     But it was too late.  In went the second doom lemon, followed by three bottles of whiz-bang powder!’
     The explosion was catastrophic.
    The Great Hall blazed with fire.  The walls shuddered.  A tornado of cascading colour blew through the room.  Sparks erupted.  The air churned.  There was a terrible high-pitched whistle and a thundering blast of sizzling white magic.
     ‘Aah,’ said Uncle Wizard.
     ‘Oh dear,’ said Bob the Pigeon.
     The spell had been a disaster.  Instead of a turbo-charged flying carpet, a bathtub had appeared in the middle of the Great Hall.  The bathtub was filled with rancid baked beans, rotten turnips, a two-tonne mega donkey, and a furious looking Admiral Wizard.
     ‘What is the meaning of this!’ roared Admiral Wizard.
     Uncle Wizard gulped.  Then he noticed the rather large slimy green tentacle emerging from the bathtub and wrapping itself around Admiral Wizard’s leg.
     ‘Bob?’
     ‘Yes?’
     ‘Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

     The End
​     Copyright Richard Anderson 2016

    The sky was grey.  The wind wailed and shrieked like a thousand boiling kettles.  Uncle Wizard wrapped his magic cloak tighter around his body, whilst Bob the Pigeon shivered in the gusting winds.   
    'What are we doing up here?’ he moaned.
    Uncle Wizard sighed.
    ‘For the hundredth time, this is a look-out post! We’re on look-out duty!’
    He gestured around them.  They were sat on a magic carpet, flying high above Wizard HQ.  Down below they could just make out its endless roof and the towering chimney spurting blasts of magic into the sky.
    Bob shook his head.
    ‘And what exactly are we on the look-out for?’
    Uncle Wizard sighed.
    ‘How many times do I have to say?  Lord Wizard fears an attack.  We’re on the look-out for Intergalactic Jelly-Monsters!’
    Bob spluttered and laughed.
    ‘You don’t really believe that do you.  There’s no such thing!’
    Uncle Wizard growled irritably.
    ‘Lord Wizard gave me this duty.  We’re the first line of defence against the Intergalactic Jelly-Monster invasion force!  This is important work!’
    Bob groaned.
    ‘You’ve been had.  This is nonsense.’
    Uncle Wizard waved him away, then pulled out a pair of binoculars and looked out on the dark and dreary sky.  He scanned the horizon, but there was nothing to see. 
    ‘This isn’t nonsense,’ he huffed. ‘Why would Lord Wizard ask me to look out for something that didn’t exist?  Now, that would be nonsense!’
    Bob shook his head.
    ‘Well, that’s simple…’
    Uncle Wizard’s shriek silenced him in a second.  He fixed on a point far to the North, then pointed urgently towards a dark mass approaching them quickly.
    ‘Intergalactic Jelly-Monsters!’ he cried. ‘Sound the alarm!  The invasion has started!’
    Bob did not even bother to look up.
    ‘That’s not an invasion force.  That’s a cloud.  Just like the last one, and the one before that.’
    Uncle Wizard narrowed his eyes and stared into the binoculars.
    ‘Hmm, well, it might look like a cloud, but it would be just like those Intergalactic Jelly-Monsters to disguise themselves as a cloud and sneak right past us.  And that would be a disaster, what with the visit of the Enchanter of Lantern Island.’
    Bob groaned.
    ‘It can’t be any more of a disaster than the last time he visited.’
    Uncle Wizard grimaced.
    ‘Perhaps I did get a little carried away.’
    ‘A little carried away!’ shrieked Bob. ‘All you had to do was present him with a Scroll of Friendship.  But no, that would have been too simple.  Instead you turned him into a tin of tomato soup!’
    ‘It was an accident!’ pleaded Uncle Wizard.
    Bob shook his head, then shivered and pulled his bobble hat further down over his head.
    ‘And we’re missing the banquet.  Just imagine what pies they’ll be tucking into.’
    Uncle Wizard folded his arms sternly.
    ‘Exactly, and we don’t want the banquet ruined by an invasion of Intergalactic Jelly-Monsters, do we?  Lord Wizard said it’s vitally important I keep a look-out for the whole length of the Enchanter’s visit and not to return until it’s all over.’
    Bob sighed.
    ‘But there’s no such thing as Intergalactic Jelly-Monsters!  Don’t you see!  Lord Wizard made them up.  He wants to keep you away from the celebrations.  Stop you turning the Enchanter into a tin of soup again.’
    ‘Nonsense!’ cried Uncle Wizard. ‘This is a very important job and I will do my duty.’
    That sat on the magic-carpet in silence, the wind howled and the clouds grew ever darker.  A flash of lightning crashed across the sky and rain began to fall.  Very soon both Uncle Wizard and Bob were soaked to the skin.
    ‘Come on,’ said Bob, ‘let’s go home.  There’s no Intergalactic Jelly-Monsters out here.’
    Uncle Wizard looked to the sky.  The rain was torrential.  Five hours they had been sat on the flying carpet without a hint of anything even the slightest bit jelly-like.  He shook his head.  Bob was right, Lord Wizard just wanted him out of the way.
    ‘Ok, let’s go home then, no point in getting soaked and catching a cold.’
    With a tug on the magic-carpet he turned it around and headed home to their wigwam.  It was a bumpy ride in the worsening weather, and they were glad of warm towels and a hot cup of tea when they got back.
    ‘Intergalactic Jelly-Monsters!’ said Uncle Wizard slumping down on the sofa. ‘How did I ever believe that!’
    Bob laughed then turned on the television.
    ‘You won’t fall for that one again!’
    The television warmed up and a reporter appeared on the screen.  He was jabbering frantically into a microphone.
    ‘I’m here at Wizard HQ where there’s been a terrible disaster!  An army of Intergalactic Jelly-Monsters has kidnapped the Enchanter of Lantern Island!’
    Uncle Wizard and Bob stared at the television, their mouths agape.
    ‘Aah!’ said Uncle Wizard.
    ‘Oh dear!’ said Bob.

    The End
    Copyright Richard Anderson 2013

    Clouds of chalk-dust puffed into the air as Professor Wizard tapped the blackboard with his pointy stick.  He then turned to the class and stared at them with his green, piercing eyes
    ‘Does everyone understand?’
    The wizards studied the wild characters and swirly symbols scrawled onto the blackboard, then nodded as one.  It was, after all, a rather simple spell.
    ‘Good,’ said Professor Wizard with a curt nod. ‘Any questions?’
    Just as the class shook their heads, the door crashed open.  In burst a breathless Uncle Wizard, his arms a muddle of spell-books and potions.
    ‘Sorry I’m late,’ he gasped. ‘I tried that alarm clock spell you taught us yesterday.  I think the instructions were wrong.’
    Professor Wizard roared in disbelief.
    ‘What do you mean wrong!  My spells are never wrong!  Did the alarm clock not wake you up?’
    ‘Oh yes!’ nodded Uncle Wizard. ‘It certainly did that.  But instead of bleeping, it started throwing turnips at me.  Hundreds of them!  It’s not easy to get dressed with turnips bouncing off your head.  I wonder what went wrong.  Perhaps I used too much whiz-bang powder?’
    Professor Wizard shrieked incredulously.
    ‘Whiz-bang powder!  Whiz-bang powder!  The spell didn’t say to use any whiz-bang powder!’
    Uncle Wizard tugged at his fluffy white beard.
    ‘I thought it was a misprint.’
    Professor Wizard scowled.  His bushy eyebrows shot up like two caterpillars launched into space.
    ‘Just sit down.  Now, we’re about to practise this simple invisibility spell.  Do you understand it?  We don’t want any incidents like yesterday’s carry-on.’
    Uncle Wizard grimaced, then stared at the blackboard.  The crazy etchings and bizarre chalk markings utterly baffled him.  He was not even sure where the spell started or finished.  For all he knew it could be a recipe for banana and earwig soup.  But not wanting to admit he was utterly clueless, he was about to nod, when his eyes narrowed.
    ‘Erm, Professor Wizard?’
    Professor Wizard glowered back at him.
    ‘What is it?’
    Uncle Wizard frowned.
    ‘Just one question.  How much whiz-bang powder do we use?’
    Professor Wizard roared.  He shrieked and wailed, then stamped his boots on the cold grey tiles of the classroom floor.
    ‘None!  None!  No whiz-bang powder!’ he screamed. ‘Do you see any whiz-bang powder written on the blackboard?  Well, do you?’
    Uncle Wizard stared at the spell carefully.
    ‘I thought you might have forgotten it.’
    Professor Wizard marched up to Uncle Wizard’s desk and towered over him.  His eyes blazed like wild-fire, his hot panting breath scorched the air.  Uncle Wizard shrunk back into his chair and decided to keep quiet.
    ‘Right, now that is fully understand, you may begin the invisibility spell.’
    Uncle Wizard watched as all around him the other wizards began.  Each had a pot-plant on their desk with which to practise.  One by one, with a brilliant flash of magic and a simple pop, the plants disappeared.  All eyes turned to Uncle Wizard.
    He took a deep breath.  Into his magic-pot went gabble-bangs, two drops of boom-fire, and a lump of frozen spangle-gas.  The spell swirled with wondrous colours.  Uncle Wizard watched it sparkle.  This spell was going to be a winner.  He then scratched his head.  How much whiz-bang powder had Professor Wizard told him to use?  Two bottles?  That was it.  He uncorked the whiz-bang powder.  It fizzed and gurgled in the air.  Uncle Wizard’s eyes grew wide with excitement.  He then chucked both bottles into the magic-pot.
    KABOOOOOOOOOOM!
    The spell exploded like a volcano of rainbows.  Light and colour flashed in dashing, pulsating streams.  Finally the air cleared.
    ‘Success!’ cried Uncle Wizard.
    The whole class stared in amazement.  The pot-plant on Uncle Wizard’s desk had certainly disappeared, but no one knew whether it was invisible or not.  For, sat in its place on Uncle Wizard’s desk was a ten-foot tall atomic-dragon. 
    The dragon snarled, bared its fangs, then charged at the terrified wizards.
    ‘Quick!’ cried Professor Wizard.  ‘Call Hero Wizard.  Uncle Wizard has done it again!’
 
    The end

    copyright Richard Anderson 2013 

    ‘Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!’ screamed Uncle Wizard.
    ‘Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrgghh!’ cried Bob.
    The three-headed snarl-beast snapped at their heels.  Its lizard-like tongues rolled back, then spat stinging venom through the air.  Uncle Wizard and Bob ducked as the venom splattered against a rock.  The rock hissed, then melted like ice.  The snarl-beast stomped towards them, its thick muscles rippling under purple, scaly skin
    Uncle Wizard gulped.
    ‘You know what Bob, I don’t think this is the Land of Flowers after all.’
    Bob the Pigeon shrieked in dismay.
    ‘You’ve only just realised that?’
    Uncle Wizard shrugged.
    ‘Well, I thought it was strange, all these things trying to eat us.  You know, I think we’ve taken the wrong door.  I think this is the Land of Monsters.  Bob, Bob?’
    But Bob was not hanging around.  As the snarl-beast roared, he scarpered towards a field of sting-grass and the door back to Wizard HQ.  Uncle Wizard stared at the snarl-beast’s gnashing teeth, then hurried after him.
    The sting-grass nipped at their legs, but there was no slowing up.  The three-headed snarl-beast had chased them all through the Land of Monsters; across the Swamp of Doom, into the Ravenous Jungle, to the field of sting-grass.  It had already bitten a chunk out of Uncle Wizard’s magic cloak and seemed utterly intent on eating them for dinner.
    ‘There it is!’ cried Uncle Wizard.
    Up ahead stood the door back to Wizard HQ.  They scampered towards it, but the snarl-beast closed with every stride.  Its hugs paws pounded over the ground.  Its gnashed its teeth, roared, then lunged.  With a desperate dive Uncle Wizard and Bob burst back into Wizard HQ and bolted the door to the Land of Monsters behind them.
    ‘Phew!’ said Uncle Wizard. ‘That was close!’  
    They stood panting and wheezing in a dingy corridor down in the depths of Wizard HQ.  Uncle Wizard gathered his breath, then pointed to a door on the opposite side of the corridor.
    ‘That’s the one we need.’
    Bob frowned testily.
    'Are you sure?’
    Uncle Wizard nodded, then looked at the large rip in his magic cloak and the teeth marks in his hat.  He was not going to make that mistake again.
    ‘Yes, this is definitely the door to the Land of Flowers!  They’ll have loads of bog-grass in there.’
    Bob nodded.
    ‘So why do we have to get this bog-grass anyway?’
    Uncle Wizard shrugged.
    ‘Search me.  There’s only one spell that uses bog-grass, and that’s a spell which fills your underpants with custard.  I wonder who Lord Wizard wants to use it against?  Whoever it is, they must really have upset him.  I haven’t seen him this annoyed since I accidentally turned his flying-carpet into jelly last week.  Come on, no time to lose, there’s bog-grass to find!’
    Bob shook his head.  He had a feeling Uncle Wizard was in for an unpleasant custard experience.  He shrugged, then followed him into the Land of Flowers. 
    ‘Wow!’ exclaimed Uncle Wizard.
    ‘Crumbs!’ cried Bob.
    The Land of Flowers was extraordinary.  The smells were intoxicating.  All around them grew flowers of every size, shape and colour.  There were huge green stems with giant purple flowers and fields of perfect poppies that glowed a glorious red.  From east to west, north to south, there was nothing but endless fields of multi-coloured flowers.
    Bob shook his head in amazement.
    ‘How are we going to find anything amongst all this?’
    Uncle Wizard stared out across the sea of flowers and scratched his head.  He was just about to pull out his spell book, when a cheery-faced moon-daisy popped its head up from behind a bush.
    ‘Good afternoon!’ chirped the moon-daisy.  ‘Did you say you were looking for a flower?  You’ve come to the right place if you did.  There’s every flower ever grown right here.  What is it you’re after?’
    Uncle Wizard smiled pleasantly.
    ‘Why thank you for your assistance.  We’re looking for some bog-grass.’
    The moon-daisy shrieked.
    ‘Bog-grass!  Bog-grass!  What sort of place do you think this is?  This is the Land of Flowers, thank you very much.  We have no bog-grass here.  The mere thought of it!’
    Uncle Wizard sighed.
    ‘I’m sorry.  Do you know where we could get some from, then?’
    ‘Not here,’ said the moon-daisy haughtily. ‘I only know one place where bog-grass grows.’
    ‘Where’s that?’ asked Bob.
    The moon-daisy smiled.
    ‘Why, in the Land of Monsters.  Do you know it?’
    ‘Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!’ screamed Uncle Wizard.
    ‘Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrgghh!’ cried Bob.

    The End

    Copyright Richard Anderson 2013

        Uncle Wizard studied his spell book, scribbled down a few notes, then examined the contents of his potions cabinet.  A hundred dusty bottles lined the shelves.  There were rows of colourful powders, and tubes of frothing, bubbling liquids; but there was not a single potion he needed for his teapot spell.
         He stared at his notes and frowned.
         ‘I’m sure I had frozen goblin breath?’
         ‘You did,’ said Bob the Pigeon. ‘It melted!’
         ‘Oh yes, so it did!  I should really have put that one in the fridge.  What a smell that was!’
         Bob shook his head.  Uncle Wizard had been muddling through his potions cabinet for hours.  He could have made a thousand cups of tea in the time, but oh no, he was going to make a magical teapot.  A teapot that never ran out of tea, no matter how much you poured.
         It was certain to be a disaster.
         ‘Look,’ said Bob, ‘why don’t you just throw any old powders into your magic pot, then blow us up.  That’s what’s going to happen anyway.’
        Uncle Wizard shook a determined finger.
         ‘Not this time Bob!  I might not have any of the right potions, nor do I understand a single word of this spell, but why should that stop me?  This magical teapot is going to be a winner!’
         Bob sighed, put down his magazine and waddled off to hide inside a kitchen cupboard.  He curled up in a saucepan, pulled the lid over his head and braced himself for the explosion.
         ‘One infinite teapot coming up!’
         Uncle Wizard rubbed his hands.  He stared at the ancient lettering and elaborate diagrams of the spell, decided it was all too confusing, and decided to just make it up as he went along.  He grabbed the most colourful bottles and dustiest tubes from his potions cabinet and set to work.
         Into his magic-pot they went.
         ‘Three hippopotamus-eggs,’ he cried. ‘Two spoonful’s of bingo-juice.  Eight slivers of moon-fog.  A dabble of deep-fried bubble-mud, and a dash of magnetic-balloon gloop.’
         His magic-pot rattled like a washing-machine full of bricks.  Colours flipped and curdled.  Sparks of lightning zapped about like shooting stars.
         ‘And finally,’ cried Uncle Wizard, his eyes wide with excitement. ‘Two bottles of whiz-bang powder!’
         Kaaaboooooooooom!
         The spell exploded in a carnival of light and colour.  Magic whipped through the wigwam like a tornado.  A radiator rattled, an armchair swivelled, a lampshade turned into a pink spotted slip-slap snake.  There was a bang, a boom, a blinding flash.  Uncle Wizard coughed and spluttered, then wafted away the smoke.  Eagerly he looked to the kitchen table.
         There was a teapot.  A perfect teapot!
         ‘Success!’ he cried. ‘Unlimited tea anytime we want!’
         Bob clambered out of the cupboard and stared at the teapot.  He tugged at his bobble-hat uneasily.
         ‘Are you sure?  Since when did teapots wear capes and green-tights.’
         Uncle Wizard frowned at the teapot.  It certainly was a strange colour; luminous green.  On one side of the teapot was a large crest with the letters ‘CT’ emblazoned upon it.  On the other was a flowing cape of red silk.  It also had a black mask above its snout.
         Uncle Wizard grimaced. 
         ‘It’s not a traditional teapot,’ he said with a nod. ‘I mean, to some it might look more like a superhero.  But, don’t worry, this spell was a winner.  Tea for everyone!’
         Bob looked on doubtfully as Uncle Wizard collected two cups from the kitchen.  He placed them on the table, then reached for the teapot. 
         He never got anywhere near it.
         With a sudden cry the teapot leapt into the air.  It flew around the wigwam, its red cape fluttering behind it, then came face-to-face with a rather startled Uncle Wizard.
         ‘Sir, this is no time for tea.  Somewhere out there is a teabag in distress.  I fear this is the work of my arch enemy, Instant-Coffee Man.  I will stop his evil ways if it’s the last thing I do!  Pray for my safe return.  I must away!’
         And with that the teapot flew out of the wigwam’s doors, crying:
         ‘Captain Teapot to the rescue!’
         Bob watched it disappear down Happy Apple Lane, then shrugged.
         ‘Shall I put the kettle on?
         Uncle Wizard nodded slowly.
         ‘Probably a good idea.’

        The End

        Copyright Richard Anderson 2013